The Talking Water Heater

One wintry day in Chicago, Sam Warm undressed to take a shower. He turned the shower knob to the left to heat the water. As the water gushed out, it felt lukewarm, but, a minute later it turned cold. Sam turned the knob to the right to warm up the water. But there was little warmth. As a matter of fact, it still felt cold. He shivered and immediately got out of the shower. He dried himself with a towel, put on some clothes and marched down to the basement to check the water heater.

Sam couldn’t tell if the machine was working properly or not. He had bought it ten years ago and had very few problems with it, if any. So, he called a local plumber to check it out. When the plumber came a few hours later, Sam showed him the machine. The plumber examined it and noticed a bit of rust around the bottom faucet. He turned the water on and rusty water flowed out.

“Am I acting ‘funny’?” a voice exclaimed.

The plumber, named Jake jerked up and quickly looked around him.

“I hope you have warm hands. I feel cold!” the voice said.

“Who said that?… Mr. Warm?”

“No. Me… The water heater.”

Jake looked at the machine with his eyes wide open. “Wha..?”

“I’ve been here for many years! Hopefully, you can change me for a newer model… I can’t wait to get outta here!… Wanna hear a joke?”

Jake gazed at the water heater with full attention. “Y..y..yea?”

“I’m just getting warmed up,” the heater said with a laugh. “What did the water heater say when the plumber emptied out all of the water?”

Jake said, “I… I… don’t… know.”

“The heater felt drained… ha… ha… ha!”

Jake looked down in disbelief. He began to think what would happen to this magic water heater that could talk. Then an idea came to him. He imagined himself becoming famous and wealthy if he owned this wonderful machine.

“Does Mr. Warm know about you being able to talk?” Jake said to the heater.

“No… It would make him nervous. Can you take me home with you? I know I need to be replaced.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

So Jake told Sam that the old heater needed to be replaced. Sam asked, “When can you get a new model in and take this one away?”

“As soon as possible. I can schedule something for tomorrow. I do want to ask you if I could keep this old water heater.”

“Sure. That’s fine with me.”

The next day, Jake drove his truck, hauling a new water heater to exchange for the magic water heater. When he came in, walked to the machine and said, “I’m here. Come to take you away,” he told it.

“That’s great! Can’t wait to get outta here!” the machine said cheerfully.

Jake disconnected all of the pipes and hoses. After he drained the water, he eagerly installed a new water heater to replace the old one. After Sam signed and paid, Jake hauled his heavy future money making machine away.

When Jake came home, he contacted a comedy club and told the manager about his talking water heater. The manager laughed in disbelief. But, he set up a time the next evening for Jake to entertain the club’s crowd with his water heater. “Jake and His Talking Water Heater” would be the first act of the evening.

The next evening, Jake hauled it on a dolly into the comedy club. The few people who worked at the club gawked at the huge machine and wondered why a water heater was being rolled backstage into the club. They thought that the club needed a new water heater and Jake was there to install it, but they looked shocked when he hauled it onto the stage. Everyone laughed and mocked Jake, but he thought, I’ll show them.

Jake had dressed up in a coat and tie, and he had covered the heater with a sheet. Jake waited impatiently while the audience slowly took their seats. When Jake came out he quickly uncovered the heater, and said, “I took a look at this old heater at a customer’s house and it talked to me. So, I’d like to present you to him. What do you say, my friend… ?”

It didn’t say anything. It just gurgled. The crowd began to laugh and boo. Jake began to sweat. He nervously asked the heater, “Water heater, tell us a joke.”

Again, the heater didn’t respond. The crowd yelled, booed and threw trash at Jake and the heater. Jake ran from the stage, leaving the heater on the stage. Before the next act, Jake angrily composed himself. Then, he took a dolly and quickly wheeled the heater off. He was so embarrassed he wheeled it into his truck and went home.

When he got home, he kicked the heater. “Why couldn’t you talk?!” But it just gurgled.

Poor, tired Jake walked slowly into his living room and sat down. Ten minutes later, he moseyed to his refrigerator, opened it and grabbed a can of beer.

“I don’t guess you talk?” he asked the refrigerator.

No answer.

Jake thought for a while why the heater didn’t talk. Suddenly he had an idea. He turned off the water in his house and disassembled his own water heater and connected the talking one. After the connections were fixed, it immediately began to cough.

Then it said, “I forgot to tell you. I have to be hooked up so I can talk.””Why didn’t you tell me this before I took you out?” Jake said angrily.”I was going to but I forgot,” the machine said.

Not To The Death, But, To The Pain

Before I really, really, really begin this article, I would just like to say that I got the title from that line in The Princess Bride movie written by William Golding when Wesley the farm boy bluffed Prince Humperdinck into running away from him in fear in a moment of total physical weakness on the part of Wesley, the heroic farm boy. Man, oh man, true love is a funny thing! Some of the best story book moments in life are just that though, ultimate, but successful bluffs that work. Like the coup de coup one-hundred dollar bluff bet in a poker game that is meant to scare the other players into dropping their cards and giving the great bluffer with a poor hand all of the pot without having to split it. I get it.

Life, love, pain and pleasure are vibrations, games, purposeful aberrations meant to make things interesting or whatever you want to call them. But pure existence for good or bad is a serious thing, it is definite. What is, is without a bluff or a trick in store. Existence definitive is the end.

But he most interesting twists are what bluffs and tricks and games are made of. What do you think made the end of “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” and all of “Star Trek III: The Search for Spock” big hits in the theatres? It was the ability of Captain James Tiberius Kirk to bluff and win the game through his bluffs and pat himself on the back for it right down to resurrecting Mr. Spock through the planet his son created. I get it. Through twists and turns, and loops anything is possible in life and out of it.

The soap opera bringing back the dead or the twin, right? Sure, what is not possible in this opera called life really? Sure, this is a humorous article, but it does bring up some interesting realities of everything from existence to more interesting existence. If you can think it up, nothing unreal exists. What is not possible is beyond the totality of consciousness I guess. So, my favorite questions:

Who is John Galt?

Where did God come from?

and the whopper:

What?

That is the whopper that makes everything interesting, does it not?

“Open the pod bay doors please, HAL!”

Then in the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey”, Dave Bowman the astronaut disconnects the computer, and goes beyond it in intelligence and perfection via the magic singing monolith at Jupiter, does his fetal days again and goes beyond the infinite and the intimate. They even give actor Keir Dullea a scene where he eats his last meal and becomes an old man decrepit all in one serving:

My God, it is full of stars! The transmission ended with a sequel called “2010: The Year We Make Contact”. We got bluffed again! Another twist. Play the theme music and begin it again!

My name is Joshua Clayton, I am a freelance writer based in Inglewood, California. I also write under a few pen-names and aliases, but Joshua Clayton is my real name, and I write by that for the most part now. I am a philosophical writer and objective thinker and honest action taker. I also work at a senior center in Gardena, California as my day job, among other things, but primarily I am a writer.

The Talking Dwarf in Our Variety Show Program

It was a long hot summer vacation and school was closed for all of us. We tried to pass the days as spiritedly as we could until we got bored. And then all of a sudden, the Eureka moment struck us! What was it? Read on to find out.

Just like the cultural shows back in school, we planned to organize a “Variety Show program” in the complex we lived.

We started to list all the events of the program including singing, dancing, drama, speech and others. But there was one special event, “The Talking Dwarf’ performed my sister and me, which was full of life and humor.

So how did we create the dwarf? I wore the legs of my green trousers on my hands and put my palms in sport shoes and I was in front resting my hands on the top of a chair. My sister was behind me. She put her hands through the hands of a slit open sweater, of which the back appeared in front of me. My sister had the buttons of the sweater buckled up at her back.

Therefore, the dwarf we created had my hands as his feet and my sister’s hands as his hands. There was a folded saree background screen held by two more participants hiding my sister.

It was an open stage program with no curtains on the floor of our complex where we lived. I talked and addressed the audience, with my hands still (the dwarf’s feet) while my sister’s hands (the dwarf’s hands actually) moved continuously while I talked.

All the families with their children were laughing their hearts out. I also put Nivea cream above and below my lips to look extra funny. So I looked funny and also talked funny. Here goes:

I am a lonely guy. Will no one shake hands with me? Come on up – shake hands and let’s get introduced. I have crossed miles to be in this show to see all of you. I am getting disappointed now. So no one will rise and shake hands with me? At least it is nice to see all of you sitting there and watching me. That naturally makes me happy. I am hopping away because I don’t want to waste any more of your time. By the way, the program is just starting to rock. So stay tuned and there are many more special events to come up. Goodbye.”

Saying that my sister with the sweater, me with the shoes and trousers on my hands and the other two persons who were holding the saree background screen ran away from the scene. And the secret almost got blurted out. But it was worth it. The audience roared with laughter and enjoyed the “The Talking Dwarf” event thoroughly.

We organized the “Variety Show program” in our floor of the complex that we lived for two years in a row and we made a name for ourselves. People in other apartments got to know us better, admired us and gave us all the love we needed.

Rosina S Khan has authored the article, highlighting how we can give some fun and humor to the people around us, making their day as well as ours.

God’s Tenth Avatar: Latest Incarnation of God on Earth to Weed Out Evil and Protect Virtuous

Lord Krishna, assured that in every Mega Age (Yug) He would take the avatar Incarnation) on Earth to annihilate the evil, punish the guilty, to protect the righteous and establish Dharma. In other words, in every age, He would set right the disorder and establish order. This age is known as ‘Kalyug’ (dark age). In 21st Century, the disorder is at its peak. It is high time the Lord take Kalki avatar as assured by Him and restore order. (‘Kalki’ avatar is the tenth and the last avatar when God would visit on a horse with a sword on hand). Accordingly God comes to the Earth for doing His duty. But what is the result? This story depicts in a humorous way the problems God Himself will face should he come to Earth. This story is fully a political satire and not to hurt the religious sentiments of people belonging to any religion whatsoever.

The Story:

The greatest scandal of the twentieth century! A sum of whopping billions of rupees was swindled in a poor country on Earth. Hence, one may guess the toil of millions of poor labourers and tax payers behind that wealth. The loot extended from mining beneath the Earth, to scandals in purchase of aircraft and weapons used on the surface of Earth. There are several stories depicting life in Three Worlds, one on the surface, one beneath the Earth and the other on the sky. It seems our corrupt people realised all the three worlds by extending their corrupt practices in all the three.

The author of this mega scandal was Ramsingh, one of the most powerful politician of the country. Though he was never in election game nor held any post, each elected Government would have his influence on it because the candidates depended on the billions he spent for their winning the elections. The same may be told about industries, trade and commerce and of course film production. Only the actors and actresses who have his recognition could be the successful performers in filmdom.

Normally, before retiring to bed he used to offer prayers to the Almighty. That day also, he was offering his prayers. “Oh God! I have to thank you for enabling me to earn this much wealth. Nobody on Earth can surpass my wealth’.
He could have stopped with this observation. But his next statement was very much provocative. “Oh God! Now I am richer than you. Even you cannot surpass me”.

That moment God decided to interfere. “Why can’t I?” He asked.

Ramsingh was taken aback. He took the revolver kept under the pillow and asked “Who is speaking? Come to the front, otherwise I will shoot you”.

“No, No don’t shoot me” God pretended as if he was afraid.

“Then come before me. I want to see you”

Next moment God, whom he was praying daily, appeared before him.

“Pooh! Are you God? Our film heroes are better looking than you” Ramsingh remarked.

“Is it, Are your film heroes more handsome than me?” God asked.

“Yes, yesterday I saw a film in which Lord Krishna was so handsome that people worshipped him in the hall itself. They won’t recognise you as God.”

For a moment, God had some calculations mentally, then he told, “But he is mortal and will die at any time, whereas I am immortal.”

“So what? Let him live for only thirty years. He has enjoyed everything on Earth. Do you know that he has dozen wives, all so beautiful? Your Heavenly ladies are no comparison to those ladies,” Ramsingh replied.

“Okay, if you think that having beautiful girls is the Bliss, I won’t argue.”

“It is alright, tell me the purpose of your visit”

“I have come here to annihilate you,” God said seriously.

“What? Are you kidding me?” Ramsingh took it as a joke and laughed.

“Yes, so far I took nine avatars and established order. This is my tenth and last. This time, I wish to annihilate one by one and I have chosen you as the first to be eliminated”.

“Why me? There are so many giants worse than me.” He quipped.

“Financially speaking, there are several giants worse than you. But you have committed other offense like murders, rape in abundance. The worst of them was you poisoned your friend to usurp power and after his death you placed your own henchmen in various posts and you have you have deceived billions of people. Be ready to die”. The avatar raised hands to get his weapon (the revolving wheel on his hand.)

For a moment Ramsingh was taken aback. But he was able to recover within seconds and asked, “Oh God, please be patient. Please allow me to ask some questions”

“Okay, you proceed”

“My most respectful God Narayana, had you wanted to punish me you could have done it without showing your presence. But you are giving your Darshan to me which is available only for one in a billion. That shows that I have done some good deeds also. Isn’t it?”

“It is not because of the good deeds done by you, but by your forefathers including your parents. They were feeding thousands of poor, they opened several schools for free learning and constructed several free mansions. They dug hundreds of wells for obtaining pure water. The proceeds of their good deeds ended today. From now onwards only effects of your sins will reach your descendants”

“Oh, God! Every day I used to pray you without fail. One more thing, I used to give a share to you at twenty percent of what all I earned in black”

God was astonished. “What?”

“Yes, I am not bluffing. You yourself verify my accounts. If I get rupees ten, I will give you rupees two. Likewise, if I get one hundred million, I shall deposit scrupulously twenty millions into your temple hundi”(collection box)

“Is it..?”

“Don’t you know that the sanctum in the new temple constructed for you was financed totally by me. I spent nearly a billion rupee for that temple out of the profit I earned through the above transaction which people prefer to call as mega scandal.

God was speechless for a moment.

Ramsingh realised that he was going in the right direction. By this time, he had gathered enough courage to bargain.

“Okay God, let us talk business. Don’t kill me. Allow me to give you a share of half of what all I earn. That is fifty-fifty. I will sincerely put 50% of what all I earn into your temple collection box. Are you happy?”

Before his completing the statement God vanished.

“Oh God, Maha Vishnu, Narayana” he shouted.
.
“Oh dear, why are you shouting?” his wife who rushed to his bed room shook him to raise from the sleep.

‘Dear, do you know that I was talking with God?”

“Oh it is good, what were you talking with him?” she asked sarcastically.

“Ha, Ha, he wanted to kill me” he was laughing.

“Then what did you do?”

“I offered him fifty percent of my earning, He ran away fearing that he also would become corrupt”

He was having a hearty laugh over the dream he had.

Suddenly there was a great noise.

“Oh what is that?”

The Earth started shaking and the ground below him was divided into two.
Ramsingh, his family, all wealth fell into thousands of fathoms deep.
Next day a telecast from far away country stated:

“Due to a massive earth quake in the poor country, an entire city was plunged into the deep Earth. Thousands of men, women and children were buried. Buildings including huge structures like Temples were buried. Please wait for the complete report”

God has his own way for punishing the sinners.

DR B.Sathyanarayanan,M.Sc (Physics), CAIIB, Ph.D in psychological counselling was a senior manager of a major nationalised bank and got Voluntary Retirement from Service in the year 1997 at the age of 50 with an intention to serve in the academic, literal and social fields. He is aged 70 now and his services are as follows:

He started SPOKEN ENGLISH course and hundreds of students were benefited by it. Several students are getting the coaching at a very low cost because of the support extended by him. A very interesting aspect is that, students are coming from far off places and there is no discrimination of caste or religion and the training includes Muslim and Christian students also. Now he plans to give coaching to failed and average students at a very low cost. A book is also written by him at a very low cost to help the teachers who want to teach English.Because his main subject is Physics, he is teaching Physics as a visiting Professor at Sri Sankara Arts & Science College, Enathur Kanchipuram. His favorite subjects include Nuclear Physics, Theory of relativity, Quantum Mechanics,He is a creative writer and is publishing the magazines ULAGA TAMIL ARANGAM In Tamil and PHILOSOPHY OF SCIENCE in English. Both contain excellent articles on Philosophy,Science, religion, poems, short stories and plays in Tamil and English respectively..

He got a training in HIV/AIDS intervention with the Christian Medical College, Vellore. He started the N.G.O “SAGODHAR” (Society for Advocacy and Global Organisation Dedicated for HIV/AIDS Research). He is associated with several other N.G.Os working in this field and he is assisting HIV/AIDS affected men, women & children. He is giving free psychological counseling on these issues.